I was driving home the other day and got off I-5 at Smokey Point. Often, panhandlers are there asking for money. Sure enough, I saw a young, bearded man with a sign. When I got close enough to see what it said, the bold letters read, “I made you smile.” Sure enough, he did. The glow of his broad smile stayed with me for a while.
Who earns a living driving their customers away?
One day, my sister was driving her brand new car home from the grocery store. Driving defensively, her senses were sharpened and she followed all the traffic rules: staying within the speed limit, signaling before turns or lane changes, keeping a watch for pedestrians, turning carefully. When she heard a strange sound from the rear end of the car, she was puzzled. At first she thought she had hit a curb or something. But the sound reoccurred every time she turned a corner. Instead of going home, she drove directly to the dealer where she bought the car. She explained the noise and a mechanic did a thorough inspection. “I see nothing wrong,” he said. My sister persisted, “but every time I go around a corner, it goes, ka-lunk, ka-lunk. Something is wrong.” So the mechanic took it for a test drive. When he returned, barely able to keep the smile from his face, he said, “Ma’am, I believe the sound is coming from the watermelon in your trunk.”
Answer: A taxi driver.
What did the mother lion say to her cubs before dinner?
Answer: “Shall we prey?”
Why are horses always so negative?
They say, “neigh” to everything.
I am really savvy when it comes to modern technology. (You can tell I’m joking already.) In fact, when we first got cell phones, Bud had to go to the hospital for some tests. I took his cell phone while he was having a test done and went to get a cup of coffee. I was standing in line behind a woman who had a very large order. I heard a ringing sound and asked her if she heard it. She said she did. I wondered aloud what it was. Then, speaking to anyone who cared to listen, I said, “Oh, I bet it’s one of those sensors that let’s the cashier know when someone enters.” I walked back and forth, listening for the sound. It sounded several times, but there was no correlation to where I stood and when it sounded. I made quite a spectacle moving around and looking up for what I was certain was the sensor triggering the ringing. It finally stopped.
Finally I got up to the barista and ordered. When I reached into my pocket to get some change, I noticed the cell phone. It indicated that I had missed a call. Then, loud enough to make sure everyone knew how smart I was, I said, “It was my cell phone!”
But I’m not the only one in my family to do stupid stuff. Tomorrow I’ll tell on some of my brothers and sisters. But at least we do laugh at ourselves. We have to.
I try to inflict my brand of humor on people I meet in public places. Often, in grocery stores when I am in the quick line for people who have fifteen or less items, I say to the person in front of me, “Sir, you really shouldn’t be in this line, you have at least eighty grapes there.” Sometimes they just give me a dirty look, but they usually laugh. You just have to lighten up.
Funny things often happen to me. One time when Rene broke her thumb she had it in a splint for several weeks. We went back to the doctor one day to check on its progress and as we walked in to the reception area a man entered at the same time. We checked in with the receptionist, but he did not. When the nurse called us back to the examination room, she said to the man, “You can come back, too.” So he did. The nurse ushered us all into a small examination room. We sat there awkwardly waiting for the doctor. I thought, “This is very odd. They must be short of exam rooms.” The doctor finally came in. He greeted us as Mr. and Mrs. Dubay. The guy said, “I’m not with them.” After an embarrassed explanation from the nurse, the man was ushered to his own examination room.
Why did the cat get detention at school?
my hyacinths
Because he was a cheetah.
Three blonds walked up to the bar and ordered martinis. When they got the drinks, they raised them in a toast. “Six months!” they said and drank. They ordered three more, raised them in a toast and said, “To six months.” Again, they drank the entire drinks. A third time, they ordered martinis and raised the glasses. The bartender’s curiosity was roused and he asked, “Why are you toasting to six months? What does that mean?” One of the blonds answered, “We just finished building a jigsaw puzzle and it only took us six months.” Again, they toasted, “To six months,” and drank. “What’s so special about that?” the bartender asked. In slurred speech one blond responded, “Well, the box said three to five years.”
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Answer: Nacho cheese
Everywhere I went today there was a sea of green. I had no idea there were so many shades of green, but living in Washington State, I should have guessed. And I do love green, that’s one of the reasons we moved here. It is green year round. I heard a few Irish jokes today. One funny one was: an Irishman went to a bar and had a little too much to drink. He decided to take the bus home, which really scared him. He had never driven a bus before.
A Buddhist went up to a Muslim hot dog stand in New York City. When asked what he would like, he said, “Please make me one with everything.”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day!
tulip in the morning
I have a very serious matter to report. I had a brain scan yesterday. The results: they found nothing. That’s probably why I couldn’t figure this one out. “A cowboy arrives at a ranch on Sunday, stays three days and leaves on Friday. How is that possible?”
Now don’t be reading ahead to get the answer. You should get this one. Here’s another one our priest told. It’s one of my favorite one-liners. “Three men walked into a bar; you’d think one of them would have noticed it.”
When my father died most of us gathered in Florida for the wake and funeral. My dad had a booming voice and loved being the center of attention. He was at his best in a crowd. Feeding and entertaining people gave him great joy. So, of course, there were crowds of people flowing in and out of my mother’s house—a real party atmosphere. The sounds of feasting and laughter emanating from her small house must have seemed irreverent to the neighbors. By the way, the answer is: the coyboy’s horse was named Friday. But we knew our dad was there with us. The laughter helped to make the pain of his loss a sweet sorrow. We knew his suffering had ended and he rejoiced that his spirit of celebration would carry on in our togetherness. There would be time to cry and mourn, but right then, at that time of passage, it was a time to laugh. I treasure those memories.
My husband has gotten on the email lists of some people who send him off-color jokes. Most of them have to do with putting women down. He usually deletes them. Why do people find that type of humor entertaining? I like surprise endings, plays on words or strange twists, for example: What do you say when a cat wins the dog show? Cat ‘as trophy. What does a lawyer wear to court? A lawsuit. Did you hear what happened when the red ship collided with the blue ship? All the sailors were marooned. I know these are silly kid jokes but they don’t poke fun at people or make others cringe when they hear them. They may groan about how ridiculous they are, but they usually get at least a smile. I like the story about the little boy in Sunday school who drew a picture of a scene from the bible and added an airplane to the scene. His teacher said, “There were no airplanes at the time.” The little boy said, “Oh, yes there were. What about Pontius Pilot?” (sic)
Question: Why were the people looking up at the ceiling and cheering?
How can you keep people in suspense?
I’ll tell you later.
At our family reunion last month I laughed so much, my abs hurt. I don’t know what we found so funny. It must have been one of those things where you had to be there to get it. As a group, we wrote a pantoum about laughter. One of the verses was: “A merry heart does one good—like medicine. It’s like sunshine. How can you describe laughter? It cannot be held back.” There were more verses, but that was my favorite. It reminded me of being in church as a nine or ten year old kid. My sister and I usually sat in the back, apart from the adults. Something would amuse one of us—a funny looking hat, or a lady’s vibrato voice, or even just a look from the other. We would start laughing, silently, of course and the more we tried to be quiet, the more we would laugh, bouncing in our seats, snorting. Mother would turn around in her seat and glare at us and that would make us laugh even more. Eventually the laughter ran its course and we settled down to listen. But I think the real communion my sister and I experienced there in the back of the church was in the laughter. It is good for the heart.
Answer: They were ceiling fans.
thimbleberries
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.
Internet quotes:
“The problem with internet quotes is verifying them.”
Abraham Lincoln
It’s easy to get people to smile. Just smile at them. They might wonder what you’re smiling about, but it is still hard for them to resist smiling back. Some might think you’re a little daft, but, oh, well. That’s life. I think it takes a little craziness to get through all of life’s trials and inconveniences, not to mention real problems.
The age-old argument that it takes fewer muscles to smile than it does to frown has not been scientifically verified. But if you smile more than frown, your smiling muscles will be in better shape, thereby taking less effort. And if you have to fake a smile, it still will have a positive effect on your body and your mood. “When you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you.”
the girl with the moss-blond hair
dmdubay 